


Ain't Getting Us Nowhere

by centreoftheselights



Series: Us, We, Me and You [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Bittersweet, Break Up, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Engagement Rings, Established Relationship, Fixing a Relationship, Fluff, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Hurt, I Love You, Love, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Relationship Negotiation, Romance, Self-Doubt, Snow, The Difference Between Love and Romance, Trying again, Unrequited Love, Use Your Words, Wintertime, happy crying, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-10-07 20:40:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17372930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/centreoftheselights/pseuds/centreoftheselights
Summary: Patton and Roman are on a romantic getaway, and everything seems perfect... until it all falls apart.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is quite likely to be expanded upon at some point, but the first chapter works as stand-alone angst.

It’s the perfect romantic winter holiday. A getaway, just for the two of them, just after New Year’s. A little log cabin halfway up a mountainside. A quiet week of snowball fights and roaring fires and hot chocolate. It's like something out of a Christmas movie!

Patton can’t remember ever being happier. Some couples might be worried that a week cooped up together in a small cabin would lead to arguments, but with Roman, he can’t imagine that ever happening. The two of them fit together perfectly, and Patton is so in love that he just about melts every time Roman kisses him.

So in love that he’s been daydreaming that there’s more to this, that Roman is going to get down on one knee and propose. It isn’t going to happen though – probably. A year is too soon, right? But a romantic getaway like this seems exactly Roman’s style, and Patton would say yes in a heartbeat. He’s never been so sure about anything in his life as he has been about Roman.

Only -

They’re curled up in front of the fire, half-dozing off, exchanging soft kisses and whispering sweet nothings into each other’s hair.

Patton kisses Roman’s nose and says: “I love you so much, Ro.”

Roman smiles back and says: “You mean the world to me.”

And Patton sighs, just a little.

“Hey Ro?”

“Yes, my heart?”

“How come you’ve never told me you loved me?”

There’s a moment of silence between them, which stretches out for a second too long.

“It’s okay, if you need more time,” Patton continues, “or if there’s some reason you don’t want to say it. I just want to understand. It – I get worried, sometimes, you know?”

Patton can feel the heat pricking at his eyes, but he doesn’t want to cry. He doesn't want to be the manipulative, needy boyfriend. He just wants to understand, to know why Roman, who sweeps him off his feet when he walks through the door, and gets him flowers for every month anniversary of their first date, and holds him so so close at night – why he doesn’t, ever, say the words.

Because he must feel them.

Right?

“Patton, I -” Roman goes completely still, his arm tensing around Patton’s shoulders. “Do you really want to talk about this?”

Patton’s heart cracks a little.

“Yes,” he says quickly. “I need to know.”

Roman lets out a deep breath.

“I’m not in love with you, Patton.”

“What?”

Patton pulls away from him sharply. There’s no stopping the tears now. They’re rolling down his face, hot streaks of betrayal.

“Roman, I – please tell me this is a mistake.”

“Patton...” Roman’s voice sounds so pained, and Patton’s heart goes out to him. But for the first time ever, Patton snatches his heart back.

“Don’t!” he snaps. “Roman, I’ve been telling you I loved you for months. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t know how to make you understand that I don’t love you that way now... and I don’t think I ever will.”

Patton chokes.

“Is there someone else?”

“Not... in the way you’re thinking.”

“What the _fuck_ does that mean?” Patton’s anger is burning now. He gets up, walks across the room, because if he stays too close to Roman right now he isn’t sure what he might do.

“I – there was someone,” Roman says. “Years ago. And I loved him, with all my heart. He never – he wasn’t interested in a long-term thing. I told myself that I could bear it but when he left me... I’ve never been in so much pain. It took me a long time to recover. And I told myself, I’d never let myself fall in love again. That it wasn’t worth it.”

 _Wasn’t worth it_.

“I’m not worth it?” Patton gasps, and his knees almost buckle underneath him. He leans against the wall, slides his back down until he’s curled up on the floor with his knees against his chest.

Roman gets to his feet, and Patton snarls at him.

“Don’t touch me!” he growls. “We’ve all had our hearts broken, Roman. Can’t you get over it? For me?”

He hates how selfish, how whiny that sounds, but he doesn’t care. All he wants is for Roman to say that he’s lying, that he’s wrong, that he does love Patton after all -

“I tried. Patton, my heart, I meant everything I’ve ever said to you. I care about you so much, and I want you in my life for always. But... it isn’t the same as it was with him. No matter how I try, I just can’t feel that for you. And I love you too much to lie to you, Patton. I’m just... not _in_ love with you.”

Patton is crying too hard to speak. He doesn’t know how to feel. He’s sad, he’s angry, he’s hurt, but not a one of these words is big enough to capture the ocean that he’s drowning in right now. The solid land he thought he could rely on has been snatched away.

Things are never going to be the same between them, he knows that deep down in his gut. But...

“Patton,” Roman says gently. He’s on the floor beside the couch, across the room but at Patton’s eye level. “I know you’re hurting and you need space. I’ll give that to you. But... if you want me, I’m still here. Nothing has changed. We can still be what we were. It just... wasn’t what you thought it was.”

A part of Patton wants to say yes. To have everything back the way it was. But he’s always going to know now, how Roman feels. That Roman was happier once, with someone else.

That perhaps, if they broke up, Roman could feel that happiness again.

Could Patton bear to be the one keeping him from that? To know, his whole life, that the happiness he felt wasn't shared by the man he felt it for?

Roman stands.

“I’ll call a cab to take me into town. Don’t worry Patton, I’ll be out of your hair soon.”

“Wait,” Patton says. The words spill out of him before he knows he’s going to say them. “It’s snowing out there. It’s dangerous on the roads. Stay until the morning?”

“If you’re sure?” Roman asks, sounding more breathless than he has any right to.

Patton nods.

“You can sleep on the couch.”

“Of course,” Roman says.

His smile is breaking Patton’s heart. He looks so hopeful. How can he still shine like that, still look at Patton with such warmth, after what he’s said? It isn’t fair.

Patton goes into the bedroom, slams the door behind him.

He doesn’t sleep much that night. The bed is far too cold when he’s alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got asked to please fix this... but somehow things got worse instead. There will be a third chapter to wrap this up though!
> 
> Please check the end chapter notes if you want content warnings.

The next morning, Patton gets up early. Roman is still asleep on the sofa, but he’s thrown the blanket half-off him, and with the fire long since cold, he’s started to shiver in his sleep. Patton tucks him in again without even thinking about it, and then wonders if he shouldn’t have.

He starts making pancakes. By the time they’re done, Roman has blinked his way awake. He looks confused as he pads into the cabin’s kitchenette.

“Patton?”

“How would you feel,” Patton asks, his eyes still on the plate in front of him, “if I told you to get out and never come back?”

He looks up, and Roman’s expression makes his chest hurt.

“I’d be devastated,” Roman says. “I’ll respect your wishes, of course. I only want happiness for you, dearest. But I don’t want to lose you from my life. If you could make a place for me, even a small one... just to see you every now and then, and know that you’re doing well, that would mean a lot to me. But... I know I have no right to ask that of you. I’ve taken enough as it is.”

Patton nods to himself. He’s thought long and hard about this overnight.

“Okay,” he says. “I think we can work with that.”

“... what?” Roman asks. he runs a hand through his hair, and doesn’t even stop to fix it flat again, and Patton wants to reach out and smooth it back into place.

“I...” Patton promised himself he wouldn’t cry. “I want you. Still. I need you. Roman, I love you so much, I don’t think I know how to give you up. So even if you don’t love me back... if I’m what you choose, if you’re really sure this is what you want, then I want to try.”

“Patton, sweetheart, it’s not... you’re the only person who’s ever made me want to try. Of course I choose you.”

“Then sit down and eat your breakfast, silly! Your pancakes are getting cold.”

Patton forces a smile. He isn’t okay, he knows that. He doesn’t think Roman is either. But he's determined to make this work.

Somehow or another, Patton is going to win Roman's heart.

 

His first attempts at this go absolutely terribly. No matter how hard he tries, everything suddenly feels so high-stakes. A casual touch on Roman's hair has him flinching; a cute pet name makes him frown. Saying “I love you” gives Roman a sad look in his eye that feels like a knife in Patton's chest. When he buys Roman flowers, Roman looks so guilty that Patton wants to apologise.

And then there's… well. Patton thought, maybe Roman's ex had something he didn't. So maybe he should try to be stronger, more independent, sexier…? They'd been keeping to kisses and cuddles since that night at the cabin, but one evening Patton tried to take things back to where they had been before.

It didn't go well.

Something about the way Roman asked for the third time if Patton was sure, if he was really okay with this, had cracked something open in Patton's chest again, and somehow he started crying right in the middle of it all. Roman wound up holding him while he sobbed himself to sleep, wondering whether it was even possible to fix a problem this huge.

The next morning, Roman bought Patton roses. Patton put them on a vase on the kitchen table, even though he felt a little nauseous every time he looked at them.

Patton doesn't know what else to try. He needs to call in the cavalry.

 

“How do you make someone fall in love with you?”

Virgil laughs, disbelievingly.

“Pat,” he quips, “I really don't think that's something you have to worry about.”

Patton isn't smiling.

“Humour me?” he asks. “If you had to make Logan fall in love with you all over again… where would you start?”

Virgil chews on his lip while he thinks about it.

“If I didn't know him at all, I think we'd have to be friends first. Learn to fit in each other's space, you know? But after that… I don't know, it just felt kind of inevitable. We clicked.” Virgil smiles dreamily for a moment, then catches himself and returns to his habitual scowl. “Why? What's up? You look like someone told you that puppies are cancelled.”

Patton tries to smile at the joke, but his heart just isn't in it. He wants to get this over with as fast as possible.

“Roman doesn't love me,” he says.

“What?” Virgil looks mystified. “Why would you say that?”

“Because he told me so.”

Virgil's expression goes through a lot of changes very quickly. Then his hands curl into fists.

“And I'm here because you need help hiding the body?” he asks in a half-snarl. “That bastard. I'm gonna -”

“Virge, no.” Patton cuts him off before he can hear whatever gruesome threat Virgil is about to make. “I still love him. We're… trying to make it work. We're _trying_.”

“When did this happen?”

“When we were up at the cabin…”

“That long ago?” Virgil frowns. “While you two were stuck alone together? No, I actually am gonna kill him -”

“Trust me, if I'd been able to call you that night, I probably would have let you.”

Virgil goes very still. Then he sinks in on himself a little.

“I'm sorry, Pat,” he says. “I'm making this all about me, and it should be about you. Are you doing okay?”

Patton's words catch in his throat. He shakes his head, because he doesn't know how to answer that question without crying and he is so, so tired of tears.

But then Virgil is hugging him, and he's crying again anyway.

“I don't know how to fix this,” he sobs into Virgil's shoulder. “I want to but – what if I'm just not good enough to?”

“Shh,” Virgil murmurs. “This isn't on you, Pat. You're fine. But you know… some relationships just aren't meant to be.”

Patton sits up sharply, and folds his arms.

“Tell me to give up.”

“What?”

“Tell me that me and Roman weren't meant to work out,” Patton demands again. “Tell me that there's nothing real between us and I'll – I'll believe you, if you say it now. I'll walk away.”

“Patton, I -” Virgil sighs. “I can't tell you that.”

“I'm going to fight for him – for _us_ ,” Patton insists. “I don't care what it takes. I don't care if I – I just _have_ to, okay? The same way you'd fight for Lo.”

Virgil gives him the saddest smile, and Patton thinks for a moment that maybe his friend understands just a hint of what he's going through. It's enough to take all the fire out of him, and he wraps his arms around himself. A moment later, Virgil's arms join them.

“You know what I'm going to say, don't you?” Virgil asks in a low rumble.

“What?”

“Well,” Virgil begins teasingly. “I have this great, smart, caring, incredible friend. And he told me once that the best way to fix your relationship problems -”

“Ugggghhhhhh.” Patton knows what's coming.

“- is to _talk about your feelings_.”

“We already talked about our feelings,” Patton protests. “We agreed we were going to stay together.”

“And did you talk about what that means?” Virgil's expression says that he knows the answer.

“… No,” Patton admits reluctantly.

“Then you need to talk about it more.” Virgil's voice softens. “Talk to him, Pat. Working this out is going to take the two of you together. You know that right?”

Patton buries his face in Virgil's neck.

“I'm scared,” he whispers, so quiet he's not sure if his friend will hear. “I don't want to lose him.”

“I know,” Virgil says. “But you can do this. If you don't… that's when you lose him, Pat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for consent issues (trying to force yourself into sex you don't feel ready for). Also heartbreak and self-doubt.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fixed it! It only took... like a month and a half, whoops.

He waits until they're both relaxed, sat around the kitchen table at Roman's place drinking fancy coffees Roman insisted on making them.

“We need to talk,” he says.

Roman's shoulders fall, just a little.

“I know.” He smiles, sadly. Apologetically. “Things aren't right, are they?”

Patton can't quite look at him.

“Do you want to start?” he prompts.

“You've been trying so hard,” Roman says. “I know that, I appreciate it but – I never wanted you to be someone else.”

“Everything you say sounds like an apology,” Patton blurts out. “I feel like being around me is only hurting you.”

“Pat, darling, no!” Roman protests. “It isn't like that, I only – I wish I could be what you need.”

“That's exactly what I was going to say.” Patton tilts his head. “What a mess, huh?”

“So what do we do?”

“I think if something isn't working… we have to stop.”

Patton starts the sentence unsure what he's about to say, and it's just as he's starting to find hope that he sees the light go out of Roman's eyes.

“I… understand.”

“No, wait, I -” Patton grabs his hand. “I don't want to stop trying with you, but – I want to stop _trying_. We're not meant to be hurting each other! So let's stop!”

Roman looks lost.

“We need to stop trying to force ourselves into a relationship that isn't working, and start being in whatever relationship _is_ working,” Patton explains. “Change how we do things, not ourselves! You need to -”

The next sentence slams into him like a freight train, and the enthusiasm fades from his voice.

“You need to stop trying to love me,” he concludes, softly.

“You deserve someone who loves you.”

Patton frowns.

“Perhaps, but what I _want_ is you. Even if it doesn't look the way I thought it would, Roman.”

Roman nods, a little stiffly.

“Okay. I think I understand. So – how exactly is this going to work?”

Patton bites his lip.

“Let's talk. For real this time.”

 

They strip back their relationship to its bare essentials. No flowers, no dates, no kissing. No assumptions. They meet to hang out twice a week, but beyond that, they're friends.

It should feel sad, Patton thinks, but it's a relief. That more than anything makes him feel like this is a step in the right direction. They needed to relearn this part before they can be anything else.

Pet names are one of the first things they bring back. Both of them love complimenting each other, calling each other “sweetheart” and “darling” and -

“Is 'love' okay?” Roman asks. “I know – we both know -”

“Does it feel right to you?” Patton asks.

“… Yeah.” Roman says slowly. “I love you, Patton, just – not in the way -”

“I know.”

“I won't say it if it hurts you,” Roman insists. “Even a little. Just tell me.”

Patton leans into Roman's shoulder, takes a couple of minutes to think about it. To ask himself what he really, truly wants.

“… I think I like it,” he says after a minute. “Ro – can I call you love? Or is that too much?”

“We can try it for a while,” Roman says. “I'll let you know if I need you to stop.”

Slowly, they find a new way to be together. It's not a textbook romance. There are less bouquets of roses and candlelit meals, and more eating mac and cheese together in their pyjamas, because it turns out that looking like a movie doesn't have much to do with them being happy together.

Sometimes they argue, about stupid things like doing laundry or forgetting to go buy groceries. They argue about big things once or twice too, and sometimes someone has to go take a walk round the block to calm down before they can talk things out. They do talk things out though. They work things out together. They can be honest with each other, in a way Patton realises neither of them was brave enough to be before.

The physical side of things comes back slowly too. Kisses and hugs, they're quick to get back too – they both enjoy being physical with their affection – but everything else takes time. It's a few months of making out without going further before one night… further just feels right. It's as though no time has passed – except that's not quite right, because they're still checking in with each other, slow and careful and without any expectations about one thing leading to another.

Patton watches Roman sleep the morning after, and he thinks to himself: _I'm in love this man, and he doesn't love me back the same way._

The words don't sting any more. And Patton knows, right down in his heart, that he wouldn't exchange the sight of Roman sleeping beside him for anyone in the world, no matter how they felt about him.

That day, Roman brings Patton a flower. Not a red rose this time – it's a sprig of Forget-Me-Nots, that he tucks gently into an eggcup on the kitchen table.

“I saw them out walking and they made me think of you.”

“Thank you, love!” Patton says, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Are you staying for dinner tonight?”

“The leftover Chinese? I'd love too.”

“And… overnight?” Patton bites his lip.

Roman smiles, as bright as the sun.

“If you'll have me, love,” he says, sounding almost shy.

“I'll have you for as long as you'll let me,” is Patton's reply.

Whatever broke between them, it's healing. And Patton thinks it's stronger now than it was before.

 

Winter finds them back at the cabin again.

It's different this time. They're both a bit tense when they first arrive, snapping as they unpack their bags, but they settle into a routine. Patton has confessed that he actually hates cross-country skiing, so they bring a selection of rom-coms to marathon instead. Roman makes Patton his grandmother's hot chocolate recipe, which is quite good despite what Patton considers a criminal lack of mini-marshmallows.

And it's like that, curled up on the sofa – the same sofa where everything nearly all ended a year ago – that Roman starts murmuring into Patton's hair.

“My heart,” he says, “there's… something I've been meaning to say.”

“Mhmm?” Patton prompts.

“I told you once that I didn't feel the way about you that you did about me, that I never would… and that might be true. I'm still not… sure, about what exactly I'm feeling a lot of the time. But this last year with you has been incredible, and I – when I said that to you, I said that there was someone else I loved more, and I need you to know that I was wrong. I might have loved him differently, but you've made me so much happier than he ever did, happier than I ever thought I could be. I don't know what exactly I had before, but what I have now – what _we_ have, _together_ , is better. Patton Hart, I love you, in every way that matters to me. And I hope that you feel the same.”

Patton stares at Roman, his mouth agape, as Roman pulls away… and pulls a small, square box from his jacket pocket.

“Because I want to keep feeling this way, if you'll let me. Patton, my heart, will you -”

“No!”

Roman crumples immediately, and Patton slaps a hand over his mouth.

“I… I understand.”

“No, wait, I didn't mean – Roman, give me one moment! There's something I need!”

He runs out the room, frantically searching his suitcase – _where did he_ – ah!

He sprints back to the sofa, where Roman is looking puzzled and still slightly hurt. At least, he is until Patton holds up the ring box in his own hand.

“I was gonna – I had it all planned, I wanted to wait until our last night here and cook you a special dinner, and I had this whole big speech about how I didn't care how you felt because you've taught me love is about what you _do_ , and what I'm doing is choosing you, over and over, every day for the rest of our lives, I choose you, even though that sounds kind of like a Pokemon thing, doesn't it, but Roman -”

Patton is crying openly, big tears of happiness rolling down his cheeks. Roman is crying too, and he gets to his feet, putting his hands on Patton's shoulders.

“So that's a yes?” he asks.

“Marry me, Roman Prince.”

Patton thrusts the ring box into his hands.

“Only if you marry me too.”

Roman drops both boxes onto the coffee table, and takes Patton's face in his hands instead, and they're kissing, so gentle and sweet that Patton thinks he might die from it. He doesn't know whether to laugh or cry, so he just holds Roman closer, putting his hands around his boyfriend's – _fianc_ _é_ _'s,_ oh my goodness, Roman is his _fiancé_ – waist and kissing him until his lungs are burning with the lack of air.

They sit down eventually. Finally open up their ring boxes. Patton's ring is a wide silver band, engraved with delicate flowers all around the outside, and a heart-shaped sapphire setting. The ring Patton chose for Roman is gold and shaped like a crown, with a large ruby as the centrepiece.

“Because you're my prince,” Patton says softly. “And I'm your heart.”

“Always and forever,” Roman says. “Pat… I love you.”

“I know,” Patton says softly, meaning it with all his heart.

Roman's eyes start to water.

“Oh, don't start crying again, you'll set me off!” Patton scolds. “Come here, love.”

He cards his fingers in Roman's hair, and starts humming softly, a smile on his face as the two of them cuddle up together in front of the blazing fire.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song [Two Outta Three Ain't Bad](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5hWWe-ts2s).


End file.
